Spoodle
🔥 Imp ENVtuber / Artist / Editor 🔥
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To you; though I dont think you will ever read this.
Y’know, when you said “I love you,” and I said “I love you more,” I didn’t realize how true that really was. But it was, wasn’t it? That’s why it was so unbalanced. You didn’t love me the way I loved you.I loved you with everything I had. More than I ever thought I could love someone. I built my world around you, believing—hoping—that we were building something together. But looking back, I see now that, so many times, I was the only one laying bricks.I tried. Again and again, I tried. I gave patience where there was distance, understanding where there was silence, forgiveness where there should have been accountability. I made excuses for you because I wanted to believe in you—because I did believe in you. But love should never feel like a guessing game, and I shouldn’t have had to beg for answers that should have been freely given.You hurt me. More than I think you ever realized. Maybe more than you ever let yourself realize. Not just by how things ended, but by the way you treated me before they did—the way you withheld, avoided, and left me in uncertainty while you made decisions without me.I remember that day I said goodbye to you. You had finally come to visit, but when you were told to come back the next day, you shut me out again. You lied to me about why you were leaving. You refused to try any other option first. After that day, you were different. You drew away more and more. You kept things from me. You snapped at me more. You started ghosting me. I think, when I said goodbye to you, and you drove away, that was it. After that, I was hoping to salvage what we had, but you weren't the same anymore.I don’t know if you truly felt nothing for me, or if you did and were just too afraid to recognize it. I thought of you—still think of you—every day. I made you a priority. I went out of my way to help you in every way I could, even when I didn’t understand it. Because to me, the important thing wasn’t whether I understood it—it was that you were feeling it. And so I practiced empathy with you every step of the way.But you—whether deliberately or unintentionally—chose to deceive me. You talked to our friends behind my back and let me be cut off from everyone I cared about. You took away my friends and never even realized you were doing it.You lied to my face more than once. And when you got caught, you didn’t apologize. You didn’t even try to understand why what you did hurt me—you just went quiet. Maybe you were afraid of conflict, but you didn’t recognize that conflict can be good if we work through it together. But you never made that choice. You never chose to prioritize me the way I did you.Maybe it’s because you didn’t want to say sorry when you didn’t believe you could change. You didn’t want to sound like a broken record. But that was never the real problem. The real problem was that you never believed you could be better. You didn’t love yourself enough to believe you were worthy of my love. And because of that, you couldn’t love me the way I deserved.And yet, even now, I don’t think you were the villain in our story. I don’t believe you set out to mistreat or hurt me. You were lost in your own way, and I was just another casualty of that.I know I deserved better. That’s why I had to walk away.Still, despite everything, I don’t regret loving you. Even now, I don’t think I ever could regret it. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. And I know that, in some way, you love me too. But love isn’t just about feeling—it’s about showing up, about choosing each other even when it’s hard. And in the end, I was the only one still choosing.When you don’t show up to work over and over, you get fired. When you don’t show up for your partner over and over, you lose them.You once quoted something: How do you lose your partner? You forget to cherish them.
Well, you forgot to cherish me. And as much as I wish you hadn’t, I know you’ll never make the choice to truly participate in our relationship.So that’s why I have to leave. Not because I don’t care, but because I have to. Because I deserve love that doesn’t leave me wondering if I’m wanted. I don’t deserve to feel guilty or ashamed for loving—for wanting to be loved back.I hope the best for you. I hope that, one day, you can love yourself as much as I loved you.